Anything Goes
by Irhaboggles
Summary: With a dance competition on the rise, Squawk and DM enlist Penfold to help them practice. He chooses a rather raunchy song, but it's just upbeat enough to help them get into the groove. Who knows? Maybe after the night is done, the two won't be ready to call it quits yet. It's a strange idea, mouse and hen, but if life had proven anything to them, it was that anything goes!


For the eighth time in five minutes, Professor Squawkencluck and Danger Mouse found themselves tangled up on the floor together. Dancing sure was harder than it looked!

"Yowch!" Professor Squawkencluck squawked as Danger Mouse fell on top of her.

"Ooof!" he grunted at the same time. Penfold watched from his seat, dismayed and disheartened. Just a couple hours ago, he'd told them that he'd entered them in a Sidney Land dancing competition. They were both swift to panic and cry out in dismay, neither of them knowing how to dance.

At first, Penfold had brushed their worries off, certain that if anyone could learn to dance in just a few short hours, it would be the world's greatest secret agent and the world's smartest gadgeteer and scientist. But no, he had been dismally wrong. The two seemed unable to go longer than 38 seconds (their personal record) before falling over or into something, sending them both sprawling to the floor. This was not going to end well if they didn't manage to literally step up their game… Penfold nervously checked his phone and swallowed down a squeak of terror. The competition was only a few hours away and the two competitors didn't know the first thing about dancing! They didn't even know how to keep upright! How would they even last a minute?! Let alone an entire song?!

"Maybe I should've asked first before I entered you both into the competition!" Penfold lamented.

"You think?!" Professor Squawkencluck demanded with a nervous and indignant shrill. She brushed herself off as she stood up again.

"Well, never mind that!" Danger Mouse commanded quickly, trying to reign the two back in. "It's too late to forfeit now and I think that if we want to see what Greenback and all the other villains are up to, then we are going to have to win this competition! The fate of the world may depend on it!" he one eye gleamed with determination as he grabbed Professor Squawkencluck's wings again to resume dancing. She heaved a tired and slightly bruised sigh. Although she couldn't deny that Danger Mouse was right about this dance potentially meaning the difference between life and death (silly and extreme as that sounded), she was really tired of winding up on the dirty floor of their Sidney Land trailer apartment. But with nothing else to do, she allowed Danger Mouse to sweep her off her feet again as he spun her around and around and around and around.

"Och!" she grunted as her stomach began whirling faster than she did.

"Come on, come on!" Danger Mouse urged swiftly, suddenly picking up speed. Professor Squawkencluck felt more like she was running than dancing. She struggled to keep up with the mouse before she finally tripped over her own two feet and back onto the floor. Since Danger Mouse had been clutching her tightly, her fall brought him right down with her.

"Oof!" he yelped again as he collided with the trailer's smelly old carpet.

"Oh, crumbs!" Penfold buried his face in his hands. This was going to end so badly!

"Here! Why don't you let me lead?!" Professor Squawkencluck snapped impatiently as she got back up.

"Let _you_ lead?!" Danger Mouse scoffed back, just as indignant. It was like she'd asked him to surrender to Greenback and the rest without a fight!

"Well! You clearly have no idea what you're doing!" Professor Squawkencluck continued to growl.

"And you do?!" Danger Mouse sneered back at her. "You clumsy-toed, two-left-feet dancer!"

"You ungraceful, ignorant, overly-zealous ballerina!" Professor Squawkencluck shot back. The two continued to call one another names before Professor Squawkencluck finally reached out and grabbed Danger Mouse to shut him up.

"Let _me_ show you how it's done!" she bragged bossily, then the two were off once again, spinning and sashaying up and down the length of their trailer in a very uncoordinated and unrhythmic step. It was a disaster, to put it lightly.

And before long, the two had gone flying again, though not in a good way. Danger Mouse tripped on a part of the rug which sent him crashing into Professor Squawkencluck which sent her to the ground again, him tumbling after her once again.

"Oh, crumbs!" Penfold repeated in despair, shaking his head, already mourning what was sure to be a bitter, swift and humiliating defeat…

The two took a break after that, to nurse external and internal wounds.

"Oh, this is hopeless!" Danger Mouse sighed as he, Professor Squawkencluck and Penfold shared a very tense dinner. One and a half hours left.

"Well, what can we do?" Professor Squawkencluck sighed, sounding a lot more subdued now that the disastrous dance had come to an end.

"Give up and go home?" Penfold suggested with a hopeful smile. "Duck and cover? Try to go on some roller coasters again?"

"Well, that last one sounds like a good idea," Danger Mouse seemed to consider the thought.

"Och!" Professor Squawkencluck rolled her eyes. "What we need to do is keep dancing, keep practicing!"

"But what use is it?" Danger Mouse demanded tiredly. "We can't seem to agree on anything and we can't stay upright for more than 12 seconds!"

"Then we're just going to have to start small. Very small," Professor Squawkencluck replied ruefully, then she began to explain a very simple and basic routine she'd been thinking about for the entire dinner.

"That won't win over the judges!" Danger Mouse cried in disgust once Professor Squawkencluck finished outlining her plan.

"Well, at least it will keep us from immediately being kicked out!" Professor Squawkencluck shot back. "Besides, do you have any better ideas?!" and for once, Danger Mouse had to admit that she was right.

"Ok, fine," he grumbled one rolling upward in resignation. He stood from the table and offered his hand to the hen. She took it, eyes full of distaste. This practice round didn't go much better than before…

They managed to last an entire minute before something caused them to literally trip up, but the slip still happened and that was the issue.

"I thought we agreed to keep it simple!" Professor Squawkencluck demanded as she and Danger Mouse found themselves on the ground yet again.

"But it was so… boring!" Danger Mouse complained. "We need to spice it up a bit if we want to at least _look_ like we stand a chance!"

"But every time you try to "spice it up" you end up stealing the lead from me and we both come crashing down!" Professor Squawkencluck cried.

"Stealing the lead?" Danger Mouse sounded scandalized and Penfold could only roll his eyes as he realized that they were around to start arguing again. The competition was an hour away now…

By some miracle, Professor Squawkencluck and Danger Mouse managed to get back on their feet again, this time instructing Penfold to help keep them in check. He was not their coach so much as he was a moderator and mediator. And he'd also been looking up tips on how to dance from various websites, but nothing was too helpful. With a sigh, he sat on the table and watched his two companions dance again, both of them scowling. But the scowls weren't of pure anger, they were also born of concentration and intense, immense focus. Their eyes were locked on each other and their feet and how it all fit together. They were able to do basic moves, but every time they tried to move from move to move, inserting fluidity and spontaneity into their dance routine, that was when it fell apart (if neither of them tried to do something "fancy" first, that is). But then suddenly, it hit Penfold like a slap in the face and suddenly, he understood everything perfectly.

"That's it!" he cried, with an almost-mad laugh. "I know why you two can't seem to dance more than one minute at a time!" And the answer was very simple, very clear, and the trio couldn't believe it had taken them so long to realize. Music. They needed music!

For these past few hours, although Professor Squawkencluck and Danger Mouse had been hard at work, practicing every dance move they could think of, because they had never even tried to dance with music, the naturalness and fluidity wasn't there. The reason they weren't able to go from move to move with ease, and the reason they weren't able to do anything big, fancy or spontaneous, was because they had nothing backing them up. No melody or beat or rhythm or accompaniment. Just silence. And while that was a good way to learn basic moves, it was not a good way to practice linking them all up together.

Professor Squawkencluck and Danger Mouse could dance just fine, they just hadn't even thought to try with music because they were so focused on the moves, totally forgetting that music and moves were both needed in order to create a dance. It was Penfold who had the epiphany and it was he who restored hope to them all. Maybe the two would prove to be excellent dancers. Maybe all they needed was a good beat to help!

"I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner!" Penfold exclaimed as he pulled out his phone again, but this time, it wasn't to check the time (though they had 45 minutes left until the competition started). He opened up his music and began to play his snazziest, jazziest tune.

"In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking but now God knows, anything goes!" came the preppy female singer, accompanied by an upbeat tune. But as cheery as the singer was, the lyrics caught Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck off guard.

"A bit… raunchy, don't you think, Penfold?" Danger Mouse frowned, looking uncomfortable at the idea of dancing to such a suggestive song with Professor Squawkencluck. She has the same cringing expression.

"Oh, come on, Chief!" Penfold shrugged with a smile as he paused the music. "It's from a Broadway play! _Anything Goes_! It's a killer number! It'll be sure to win the hearts of the judges!" he looked so confident as he continued to extol the song and the musical where it had come from, so Danger Mouse finally decided to give it a shot.

"Oh well, if the fate of the world really is in the hands of our judges, then we had better make sure they know what they're dealing with!" he decided, trying to sound confident as he took Professor Squawkencluck's wings again and prepared to dance.

"That's the spirit, Chief!" Penfold encouraged, then he turned to Professor Squawkencluck. "How about you, eh, professor?"

"Oh, well, I guess if it's necessary. I'm sure one dance couldn't hurt," she mumbled before tightening her grip around Danger Mouse's paws.

"Ok," she decided then. "Let's do it!" and Penfold was more than happy to oblige, starting up the song once again.

"In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking but now God knows, anything goes!" came the preppy female singer once again, but this time, instead of cringing, Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck put on determined, focused faces and began to dance. They grabbed hands and began to waltz, moving back and forth and up and down, eyes set in concentration.

"Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose! Anything goes!" the hen and mouse sashayed down the length of their little trailer apartment while Penfold clapped to the beat, watching them with hopeful eyes. Then, at the end of that particular line, Danger Mouse gave Professor Squawkencluck a little dip, nothing dramatic or deep, but they both bent to the side slightly before popping back up right on the beat. Penfold gave a soft gasp of delight. They were doing it! They were dancing! So he was right! They really had had the talent inside of them all along! It just took a good tune to help it come out in full! But now? They were doing it! They were really doing it!

Then as the song entered into a slightly faster beat, Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck picked up their own feet accordingly, doing a little kick-step-hop dance as they sashayed back down the length of the trailer, coming towards Penfold once again.

"The world has gone mad today, and good's bad today, and black's white today, and day's night today, when most guys today, that women prize today, are just silly gigolos!" the singer continued, then Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck began to spin, whirling and twirling in one another's arms, switching up from the sashays. It looked as if they'd been practicing this routine their entire lives, it flowed so naturally!

"And, no, I'm not a great romancer but I know that you're bound to answer when I propose, anything goes!" Suddenly feeling bold, Danger Mouse dared to jump upward. Professor Squawkencluck, somehow already mentally synching up with him, was quick to catch onto what he was doing. When he came back down, her arms were already out and she caught him with a surprising amount of ease, him throwing one arm back dramatically as he reclined in her arms for a second.

"Woah! Jolly good show!" Penfold began to clap and cheer without meaning to. A musical interlude came next and while Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck spun steadily round and round again, they smiled at one another, their hard expressions softening with excitement and hope. This was turning out better than they had thought! All they'd needed was the music! And then it all came together…

45 minute later, they were taking the ballroom together, hand in hand as their jazzy little tune started up again.

"In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking but now God knows, anything goes!" Danger Mouse did a little kicking dance with his feet, a sort of upbeat tap dance, while Professor Squawkencluck, behind him, sauntered in. Then the two linked arms and, just like they'd practiced, sashayed up and down the ballroom. Penfold watched with a hopeful expression, fingers crossed as they danced by. The two whirled and twirled, spinning and waltzing around merrily with happy smiles on their faces as they moved their feet to the fast and upbeat rhythm.

During the musical interlude, the two put on a more playful and comical type performance, letting go of one another to dance side by side instead of face to face. They copied each other's moves, going back and forth, each taking turns to do a move that the other mirrored. Danger Mouse went one way, doing a little chorus line kick, and Professor Squawkencluck followed him. Then once they reached the far end of the room, Professor Squawkencluck picked the next move, kick-spins, and started going back over to the other side, Danger Mouse following after. Then once they reached that end, they, once again, began moving the opposite direction. This time, though, Professor Squawkencluck veered around in front of Danger Mouse before dropping to her knees, Danger Mouse dramatically flipping over her, landing delicately on the other side of her, doing a little half-spin and offering a hand to help her literally leap back up onto her feet. The onlooking crowd looked impressed and a few of the judges even gave approving claps and whistles. They were loving it! Danger Mouse exchanged a look with Professor Squawkencluck.

"Should we keep hamming it up?" he whispered.

"Full steam ahead," she replied, so on went the performance-like show. It was no longer just a dance.

Then came the next verse.

"When grandmama, whose age is 90, in nightclubs is getting flighty with gigolos, anything goes!" the two resumed their sashaying.

"When mothers pack and leave poor father because they decide they'd rather be tennis pros, anything goes!" Now the two switched back to little spins that took three beats to complete. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One spin perfectly after another.

"If driving fast cars you like, if low bars you like, if old hymns you like, if bare limbs you like, if Mae West you like, or me well-dressed you like, well, nobody will oppose!" then came the second faster part of the song. Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck turned face to face again before doing dainty little hop-steps, each in quick succession to fall in align with the singer's words. On the fifth phrase, Professor Squawkencluck released Danger Mouse and did a twirl. Then right after, on the sixth phrase, Danger Mouse did his own little spin. Then on the very last, Professor Squawkencluck shook her rear end playfully at Danger Mouse, pretending to cozy up to him.

"When every night the set that's smart is intruding in stupid parties in studio, anything goes!" the two linked arms again before cat-walking slowly across the ballroom like they were on a runway, each partner with their free arm out towards the audience as playfully dramatic and self-absorbed smiles spread across their faces. But at the last two words, the two picked up their speed again, Danger Mouse pretending to chase Professor Squawkencluck around the ballroom as she ran away from him with quick, dainty steps. The crowd continued to laugh and cheer, genuinely entertained not just by the fancy footwork, but by the playful skit unfolding before them that accompanied the dance.

It had been Professor Squawkencluck's idea to turn the dance into a skit as well to entertain viewers and trick them into thinking that she and Danger Mouse were better dancers than they really were and it turned out to be a brilliant decision upon her part. She and Danger Mouse had expert comedic timing as a duo and even though Danger Mouse was always viewed as the hammier one of the two, they were both going all out in this little number. The rest of the song was only music, but they still managed to fill it with humor and excitement, doing all sorts of fancy stunts that they had learned during their days of training at the agency, but still sprinkling in some classic moves here and there just to keep suspicious low that they were anything more than an ordinary pair of ballroom dancers.

Then the song finally came to its end, both of them dropping to their knees and facing opposite directions, arms out and faces tilted up. The final note cut off and the two remained frozen on their knees, smiling up at the crowd. The cheers told them everything that they needed to know. When they both stood up again and turned around to face each other, they were both grinning like idiots, looking truly pleased and proud with what they had done together that night.

"Brilliant work, Squawk!" Danger Mouse whispered to her as he shook her wing. "It was a pleasure getting to work with you like this!"

"Likewise!" she shook Danger Mouse's paw just as sincerely, smiling affectionately at him. "You were an amazing dancer and partner tonight!"

But even though the competition had not ended there, eventually devolving into a battle just like Danger Mouse had suspected from the start, their successful little performance had easily been the best part of it all.

"And you were so amazing!" Penfold was still squealing with delight nearly an hour after they'd left the dance hall to return to the Danger Agency. As Danger Mouse drove them all home, Penfold stayed up the entire ride back, cheering his two friends on and complimenting their skill, humor and timing. They never missed a beat, both in terms of music and visual comedy. While Penfold continued to enthuse, Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck only exchanged fond and knowing looks, each one winking at the other, before they continued on the journey home…

The two arrived back at the agency very early in the morning. The dance had only completed around midnight and the drive home had taken a few hours. But even though that meant it was roughly 3:30 am, neither Danger Mouse nor Professor Squawkencluck were quite ready to go to bed yet. Instead, they both walked down to Professor Squawkencluck's lab together, carrying the item that they had gone through all that trouble in the first place to get. It was the Helmet of Power. Professor Squawkencluck was quick to lock it up with all of her other dangerous lab stuff, but even after that deed was done, she and Danger Mouse continued to smile at one another.

"Well, Professor, that night went rather well, if I do say so myself!" he bragged happily.

"It certainly did!" Professor Squawkencluck agreed, flashing him a rare smile. "Although I could've done without the battle," she added, but for once, she was being entirely playful. But Danger Mouse still feigned outrage.

"That's all part and parcel of being a secret agent!" he cried, putting a hand to his heart as Professor Squawkencluck dared to complain about that thrilling and epic conclusion to the otherwise mundane dance competition.

"Well, you did wonderfully in that too," Professor Squawkencluck laughed.

"Well, it was all because I had an amazing partner," Danger Mouse replied, mock anger quickly turning back into sincere gratitude as he, in a very, very, VERY rare moment, accredited his achievement to something beyond his own personal skill.

It was a rare day when he thanked anyone for anything instead of passing it off as his own merit, and it was even rarer when that someone he thanked was Professor Squawkencluck. But the high of the dance and subsequent battle had been so strong that even hours later, he was still in a very merry and generous mood, his selfishness turning into genuine delight to have found such an excellent partner, both on the dancefloor and on a battlefield. For once, he had no reserves about giving credit where it was due, and Professor Squawkencluck was beyond delighted by this, feeling just as enthusiastic and generous as he was at the moment.

"May I have this dance?" Danger Mouse asked at last with a dashing smile as he offered Professor Squawkencluck his arm once again. 3:30 am or not, they were both still energetic enough to want one last hurrah, one final encore, before they finally called it curtains and ended the show and finished their last little dance of the night. Professor Squawkencluck was quick to accept, grinning eagerly as she and Danger Mouse began to waltz around the dark and empty lab.

For another hour or so, they spun and leapt, performing all sorts of beautiful and intricate moves back and forth with one another, feeding off of each other's energy and building each other up at the same time. It was the perfect example of trust, unity and teamwork. Back and forth, and as one, they continued to waltz and dance around the silent lab, not a care in the world, the only sound being of their laughter and of the music playing in their heads in perfect synchronization…

_And who'd have thought that this shocking pair could catch us oh so unaware?_

_But don't we know?! Anything goes!_

_That hen and mouse could so bring down the house_

_And quickly be the best pair of dancing pros! Anything goes!_

_If top secret spies you like_

_If fast rides you like_

_If dances you like_

_Romances you like _

_If big fights you like_

_Or crazy nights you like_

_Then this is your go-to show_

_And although it may seem odd and oh so obscene to see this on screen _

_As ratings show, anything goes!_

**AN: Squawk's actress (the amazing Shauna MacDonald) was actually in a dance competition before (A Little Less Strictly Come Dancing, 2014) so as you can imagine, I nearly died when I saw "We Are Not Family" and they had Squawk in a SCD competition. This fic was begging to written the very second she and DM started dancing.**

**Here's the link to Shauna's show: watch?v=1WdYPnqBeaQ**

**And you can see a better quality (but incomplete) version here: watch?v=Idpu9lPTNVo (Her clip starts at 5:37).**

**Also, yes, because the original song was rather raunchy in nature, I did lighten a few of the lyrics, but it's still worth listening to in full.**


End file.
